Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Choose Faith

I am a major worrier.
i always have been, but it seems to get worse as i get older, and obtain more responsibility.
So imagine my worry when I find out that there may be something wrong with my health, and my ability to have a few more little ones.
I have a completely common (yet still scary) disorder called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. (PCOS)
When the doctor gave me the results of my ultrasound last week, and told me I have PCOS, I had heard the term before but had no clue what that meant.
I was so terrified, and instantly thought of all the worst case scenarios.
Like I would never be able to get pregnant again.
Or I would need some kind of drastic surgery that would put me into menopause instantly.
And that if I did get pregnant, the miscarriage rate of someone with PCOS is 40%.

I drove home from that appointment discouraged, and feeling so alone.
i saw my dreams of multiple children running around my house fade as I thought there surly is no hope for me carrying another child.
But like i said, I'm a worrier, and I can often jump to conclusions without having all the information.
After doing more research on the topic, i have learned that it is absolutely possible for me to have more kids, and although it may be harder for me to get pregnant (and stay pregnant) it will happen again for us.
Adam and I are definitely at the point where we would welcome any new little spirit into our lives, and I think thats what makes this diagnosis so hard. The fact that I feel like I'm not in control of my own body.
So I have multiple tests and appointments coming up, where doctors will keep an eye on everything, and hopefully give me more answers about what my options are.
I know I am not alone in this, and its so common with girls my age, but the knowledge of that doesn't make the reality of whats going on in my body any less scary.

Talking about this and explaining the way i feel is really difficult for me.
To try and convey to someone the anxiety it gives me is nearly impossible.
I'm not trying to make this seem like the end of the world, or the worst thing that could ever happen to a person, but I worry... about the unknown.
About all the questions I have that haven't been answered.
I know this is a time for me to turn to my Heavenly Father and pray for encouragement and strength.
And so I will.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


I left Tenley for the first time a few weeks ago, when Adam and I went to Hawaii for 10 days.
it was bliss to get away with him and reconnect just the two of us, in a romantic place, doing things we haven't been able to do in a long time. My love for him grows more each day, and it was amazing to just be us again.

But leaving Tenley was insanely difficult.
We dropped her off at my sisters on Sunday night, then came home to our empty house where I looked around and cried.
Cried that she wasn't in her room fast asleep, and that I was going to miss the next 10 days of her life.

She is so special to me. She is a light in my life, and being without her seems so unnatural.
She makes me so happy, so proud- so full.
She has brought meaning to my life that I never knew existed.
When she came, something changed in me forever.

I have so much love for this little girl, and so many hopes and dreams for her.
I pray that she will know and love and serve God as she grows older. I cannot wait to see her chase her dreams.

Its safe to say that I don't want to leave her for a long time.
While being with Adam and no other distractions was wonderful, my heart is so full when the three of us are together.

About Me

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I love to write down my feelings and share them with whoever is interested. I love my small, growing family and feel so blessed to have such a loving, supportive husband who is always by my side.