Wednesday, March 20, 2013

a little back story and a Juice fast

Ive been obsessed with my weight for as long as i can remember. As a little girl i was chubby, and held onto my "baby fat" for a little longer than most. I had great friends, and a loving family so it never seemed to bother me..until i was about 12. The insecurities came right on schedule, and along with that came a sort of hatred for my body and appearance. I grew up a swimmer. i grew up with a beautiful pool in the backyard, and was always in swimming lessons. I was great at swimming! it was one thing i KNEW i could do a lot better than most other kids my age. So I joined a competitive swim team, and loved it. My skills only increased as my time in the water became more frequent. I won several swim meets and would always place top 2. My dream and goal at the time was to train and qualify for the olympics. I was probably well on my way, since I was a more advanced swimmer than those on my team. Then the dreaded teenage years came, and my priorities shifted. I didn't want to be at practice on friday/saturday nights. i wanted to be out with my friends. Eventually i chose friends and a social life over my dreams and my talents. Swimming really helped me get in shape and suddenly that "baby fat" was gone. Around this same time, I was starting to get noticed at school a little differently. Boys paid more attention to me, new girls wanted to be my friend, and I thought it was amazing. I had lost a lot of weight from swimming and just growing up, that i became more confident in myself. (or what i thought was confidence) anyways, longgggg story short, I changed. Quite drastically. I became obsessed with counting calories and working out in my room so no one could see. I was sad. Trying to attain perfection was impossible. my parents and close friends were worried about me, while i was hoping no one would notice. oddly enough, i wanted everyone to notice. i wanted the compliments, but i didnt want the nagging. This went on for years. Fast forward many many years, and many many personal trials, and i was finally at a place where i was truly happy with myself. Then Adam found me. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I was in a place in my life where i could let someone else love me, because i loved me. fast forward again. 2 wonderful, amazingly beautiful, adorably happy kids later... the insecurities are back. I found it difficult to take off all the weight with tenley, and never quite got back to where i wanted to be, but im finding it especially difficult to do it this time around. I still have those obsessive thoughts in the back of my mind as i did when i was younger, only this time i have 3 people to think of before i think of myself. Its a hard reality when you find it difficult to look at yourself in the mirror. my kids are worth every pound, every stretch mark, and all the aches and pains that come along with carrying a child, but i want to be confident and exude that confidence to others. So adam and I started a juice fast on Monday (march 18) im really looking forward to taking control of my health, and to be proud of what i can accomplish. I started this fast thinking i would do it for 7 days. Now, I'm going for 30. I am so determined to cleanse my body, kick start losing the baby weight, and finishing this big goal i've set for myself. My head is so in this, that i'm not even letting the cravings set in. Once they do, i so quickly take my mind off it, and push through. Watching the documentary "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" has really changed my perspective, and has given me the push i need to do this all the way. so i want to start documenting my juice fast experience, mainly because it will hold me accountable, but also to look back on and see how much my mind set has changed, and hopefully how i see food. 'Cause in 27 days, i know ill be GLAD i did this, and have NO regrets.

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I love to write down my feelings and share them with whoever is interested. I love my small, growing family and feel so blessed to have such a loving, supportive husband who is always by my side.

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