I really want to write out all my feelings about the past week before they are gone from my memory, and too foggy to recall.
The past few days have been a bit of a sleepless blur.
A beautiful, peaceful, emotional, sleepless blur.
Annie joined our family on Tuesday morning and forever changed our lives.
She was born at 3:16am, Tuesday December 18.
A gorgeous baby girl weighing 8.13lbs and 20.5 inchs long.
When I think about that night, the pain, tears, fear, frustration, anticipation, joy, bliss, I can't help but think about the amazing miracle a new born is. The whole 10 month process, from start to finish is so amazing, and is one of the biggest reminders to me that God has a plan, and it is perfect and it includes all of us.
The fact that she is here now, sleeping beside me as I write this, and only 4 days ago I was keeping her safe and nurturing her inside me blows my mind. What a beautiful gift birth is.
My labor and delivery this time was so different than the last time.
This time I had midwives. I can't say enough amazing things about midwifery care, and how much more I enjoyed my prenatal care with them opposed to with a doctor like last time.
I was determined to do this delivery without an epidural.
I had one with Tenley, and I can honestly say it was great! I was able to sleep, and feel no pain for the majority of my labor.
But like I said, I was determined to go without this time, because I knew my body was capable of doing it on its own.
I remember sitting in the birthing tub, thinking there was no possible way I could take anymore pain and screaming out for that epidural. (I was 10cm dilated at that point so it couldn't happen anyways)
I know that any way a women gives birth is amazingly strong, but doing it without an epidural this time gave me such a sense of accomplishment. Like since i had done that on my own,I could literally do anything.
I delivered Annie in the birthing tub, and Adam actually delivered her! It was amazing to share that with him, and have him lay her on my chest.
Even though this was the hardest thing I have ever done, I would do it a million times over knowing Annie was the end result.
I was only in the hospital for a total of 5 hours. She was born an hour after we arrived, and we were sent home 4 hours later. It was awesome! No sitting around in post pardum for 24 hours, in an uncomfortable bed, forced to eat yucky hospital food. We had left the house that night to have a baby while Tenley was asleep, and we got home with a baby in hand before she had even woken up.
Im so happy with our family of 4.
I love being able to say "the girlS"
I love seeing Tenley light up when Annie is in the room.
I love seeing my big strong husband hold our tiny girl and suddenly he melts.
Or even better, when he's holding them both and I see so much love in his eyes for his girls.
I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude and love right now, my heart might burst.
Although the lack of sleep is starting to take a toll on me, I know it's only temporary.
The sad part is, rocking Annie to sleep at night, getting up to feed her, comforting her, those things are temporary too.
In the middle of the night, those things are hard to remember, but I really want to soak up every minute of her incredible innocence and newborn-ness (?)
Having an extremely independent 2 year old has reminded me that these things won't last forever.
Being Tenley and Annie's mom is the greatest blessing. I am so lucky to be able to raise these sweet girls with Adam, and to Grow and become a better person for them and because of them.
I love my family so much, and am thankful everyday for the gifts they are to me.
I saw the cutest elderly couple in a parking lot today. The little old man was taking a huge wheelchair out of the trunk of his car, along with the many pieces it came with. He was attaching all four wheels, and the handles. This clearly was not a very modern chair, and he seemed so farmiliar with how it all worked. His cute little wife sat patiently in the passenger seat with her stocking covered feet hanging outside of the car. She seemed to be quite used to the routine as well. Once he was done assembling the wheelchair he slowly walked it over to her and lifted her out of the car and into the chair he had spent about 10 minutes working on. She looked up at him with a smile on her face and with what I could see were no words, but so clearly a "thank you" was given and received.
This couple had to have been in their mid-late 80's and probably have been together for close to 60 years! (of course this part of the story I'm just speculating but it sounds reasonable) it touched my heart to see such love and devotion to one another after all those years.
It reminded me of my own grandparents and the example of love and commitment they are to me. In my grandmas last years, my grandpa dedicated his life to helping her and making her life easier. For years she supported him as they raised a family and he worked, and when it came time to support her while she struggled with daily tasks he was there without complaint.
Such a simple act in the Walmart parking lot, and something that little old couple probably would never think twice about, really touched me and made me want to work harder for those I love.
Lots to update, but I'll start with the most important.
Adam and I are expecting baby #2!!
My last post was about my new diagnosis, and how scary that was for me. Well since then I did an intense cleanse, and have had several follow up ultrasounds to monitor the cysts. Shortly after my
Cleanse I had an ultrasound that showed a significant decrease in the amount of cysts on my ovaries. (sorry tmi) my doctor was quite pleased with how everything was looking and how my nearly 17 cysts had decreased to only a few and that the ones that were still hanging around had shrunk by more than half. I was so excited, and my spirits were up and more hopeful than ever that we could have a really good chance at getting pregnant.
Shortly after that, my grandma passed away. It was such a sad time for my family, especially since I have never lost a grandparent, I had no idea what it would feel like when one would actually leave us here on earth.
The morning my grandma passed, I had an overwhelming feeling that I was pregnant. I didn't want to take a test, and then have to tell my family great news in a time where we all needed to grieve. So I set my feelings aside for a few days. I flew home that same day to be with my family and to be able to go to her funeral. It was an amazing week full of so many spiritual experiences I won't ever forget.
A few days after the funeral, and all the chaos of that week had passed I took a test and sure enough it was positive!! I felt so blessed and took a few more tests just to let it sink in:)
We are so thrilled to welcome a new sweet baby into our family. This pregnancy has been polar opposite from my first. Every pregnancy symptom you can think of, I'm experiencing this time around whereas with tenley it was such a breeze.
I'm so anxious to know what this little guy or girl will look like, what kind of personality he/she will have, will this baby be as funny and crazy as tenley?? She is going to be such a great sister, I can already tell. She loves kids so much and nothing makes her more excited as having kids around to play with.
So I'm 12 weeks now, and due on December 7. Tenleys birthday is dec. 12, so it's going to be an extra busy month For us. We couldnt be more excited!!!
I am a major worrier. i always have been, but it seems to get worse as i get older, and obtain more responsibility. So imagine my worry when I find out that there may be something wrong with my health, and my ability to have a few more little ones. I have a completely common (yet still scary) disorder called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. (PCOS) When the doctor gave me the results of my ultrasound last week, and told me I have PCOS, I had heard the term before but had no clue what that meant. I was so terrified, and instantly thought of all the worst case scenarios. Like I would never be able to get pregnant again. Or I would need some kind of drastic surgery that would put me into menopause instantly. And that if I did get pregnant, the miscarriage rate of someone with PCOS is 40%.
I drove home from that appointment discouraged, and feeling so alone. i saw my dreams of multiple children running around my house fade as I thought there surly is no hope for me carrying another child. But like i said, I'm a worrier, and I can often jump to conclusions without having all the information. After doing more research on the topic, i have learned that it is absolutely possible for me to have more kids, and although it may be harder for me to get pregnant (and stay pregnant) it will happen again for us. Adam and I are definitely at the point where we would welcome any new little spirit into our lives, and I think thats what makes this diagnosis so hard. The fact that I feel like I'm not in control of my own body. So I have multiple tests and appointments coming up, where doctors will keep an eye on everything, and hopefully give me more answers about what my options are. I know I am not alone in this, and its so common with girls my age, but the knowledge of that doesn't make the reality of whats going on in my body any less scary.
Talking about this and explaining the way i feel is really difficult for me. To try and convey to someone the anxiety it gives me is nearly impossible. I'm not trying to make this seem like the end of the world, or the worst thing that could ever happen to a person, but I worry... about the unknown. About all the questions I have that haven't been answered. I know this is a time for me to turn to my Heavenly Father and pray for encouragement and strength. And so I will.
I left Tenley for the first time a few weeks ago, when Adam and I went to Hawaii for 10 days. it was bliss to get away with him and reconnect just the two of us, in a romantic place, doing things we haven't been able to do in a long time. My love for him grows more each day, and it was amazing to just be us again.
But leaving Tenley was insanely difficult. We dropped her off at my sisters on Sunday night, then came home to our empty house where I looked around and cried. Cried that she wasn't in her room fast asleep, and that I was going to miss the next 10 days of her life.
She is so special to me. She is a light in my life, and being without her seems so unnatural. She makes me so happy, so proud- so full. She has brought meaning to my life that I never knew existed. When she came, something changed in me forever.
I have so much love for this little girl, and so many hopes and dreams for her. I pray that she will know and love and serve God as she grows older. I cannot wait to see her chase her dreams.
Its safe to say that I don't want to leave her for a long time. While being with Adam and no other distractions was wonderful, my heart is so full when the three of us are together.
Yesterday was like every other Sunday. We got up, went to church, came home after the first hour because Tenley cut about 6 teeth last week and was getting quite restless, came home and watched a movie. Tenley was watching with us, and would play with her toys in between trips up and down the stairs like she always does. She loves going up and down the stairs so i let her, i just keep a close eye on her. I watched as she came back up, and she stood at the top, holding onto the railing. She must have just lost her balance, and went tumbling down. It seemed as if it were in slow motion as she fell, and Adam and I both ran to catch her. Unfortunately we weren't quick enough.
We have tried different types of gates for the top of the stairs, but the way the railings are designed, nothing fits or stays on. So despite our efforts, we have no gate, but obviously never leave her alone while playing or near the stairs.
I keep playing last night over and over in my head, wondering what I could have done to stop the fall.
We calmed her down quite quickly, and so I let her down to play with her toys. As soon as she tried to crawl, she collapsed on her left arm, and I knew something was wrong. Immediately we got ready to take her to the hospital. We ended up being there for about 5 hours, and she was a little angel. She was completely herself, laughing and making funny faces, and entertaining everyone in the waiting room. Around the 3rd hour, we still hadn't been seen and I thought that it was probably a sprain, only because she was so happy and I had expected a sad miserable girl if it were actually broken. Shortly after that we were taken back to see a doctor and very quickly had an X-ray done on her arm. The results came back that her wrist, or her Radius bone was in fact broken and she would need to wear a cast for 4-6 weeks. This broke my heart, and I was extremely emotional. How could my 13 month old have a broken arm? How did she have such a bad fall and I couldn't get to her in time to stop it? Theres mommy guilt for ya.
She was again, a superstar as the orthopedic tech put the cast on, and was so curious about what he was doing to her. She has slept all night, but I cant say the same for me. I've been up most of the night, listening for her, and going over and over in my head everything that happened yesterday.
I know kids are resilient, and tough, and bounce back after things like this, but it still makes me incredibly sad that this happened. As a mother, my number one priority is to keep her safe, and this is the first time I've felt like I wasn't able to do that. Although its so heartbreaking to see her in a cast, she looks pretty cute :)
Send positive thoughts her way for a speedy recovery :)