Thursday, July 7, 2011

We all have a story

**i have posted this, taken it down, re-posted it, taken it down, and now i am posting it again... we'll see how long it stays up. I read on one of my favourite blogs, that the most honest blogs make the best blogs... i want to be honest and share this. In a way, i hold on to some of these painful memories and posting this is very freeing**

I have been contemplating telling "my story" for a while now.
I dont even know if anyone cares to hear my story.
but one reason I started this blog was to have a way to express myself, and to share my feelings with those who matter most to me.

Obviously im Mormon. Born and raised.
But through my teen years, church was not a priority.
I made everything OTHER than church, religion, and faith, my main priority.
For some reason, friends, boyfriends, parties, staying out late, and all things bad for me were what i cared about.
I couldn't see the big picture.
I couldn't see how my choices then, would affect me now.

After moving to Calgary about 4 years ago, I was having a great time living away from home, with no one to answer to but myself.
My life spun into a terrible disaster when I met a guy and started dating him seriously in the spring/summer of '08.
He was wrong for me in every way, and im sure of it, that i was wrong for him.
The relationship was doomed from the start. The name calling, obsessive control over my every move, and verbal abuse started very soon after this poisonous relationship had begun.
It was clear to everyone and to me, that this was bad for the both of us. But his charm, and goofy, funny side won me over every time there was a fight. I couldn't let go of this person i was certain I could "fix."
The months went on and so did the yelling, and the fighting.
Nothing i did was ever good enough.
I would apologize for things like HIM going through MY emails and finding letters from old boyfriends, or for talking on the phone with people he didn't approve of.
I can't explain it, but the worse it got between us, and the more things he would blame me for, made it impossible for me to end things. He was very good at turning every thing on me.
Like I was the problem.
Like I pushed him so far, and thats why called me the "C" word
or tell me i was worthless, uneducated, "uncultured" as he reminded me time and time again.
Then he would say how sorry he was, and that he loved me and couldn't live without me. thats when he would spread on his charm like butter.
And I believed him that it would never happen again.
All those years in my teens where I had put on a show, and pretended to be someone i absolutely was not, made for low self esteem and self worth. So when faced with a toxic relationship, I didnt know how to walk away from someone who so clearly needed me, to even breath... thats what he had me thinking anyways.
Things got so bad, and i became an emotional basket case.
Relationships with my friends and family were shot, and I felt hopeless.
Things in my life needed to change, and it wasn't just this relationship i had to let go of.

( im not writing this to throw him under the bus. i wish him well. im writing this more to say thank you. Had those circumstances not happened in my life, i have no idea if i would have searched for more meaning or purpose. He made me realize things were missing in my life, and so for that i thank him)

Shortly after the millionth breakup, I got a book in the mail from my parents called "Believing Christ" and although i wasn't going to church at the time, they knew what i needed to hear. They were right on the money.
I wish i could tell you what i read that stuck out to me, or a profound sentence that made me realize my life was about to change, but i can't.
All I could do was get on my knees and pray.
Pray for comfort
Pray for forgiveness
Pray for strength
and Pray that somehow I would know how to start over. That someone, or something would come into my life and give me hope again.
That prayer seemed to last for hours...

A few days later I got a knock on my door from the missionaries from my YSA ward that i was supposed to be attending.
Of course i wasn't, so im sure there were coming to check up on all the names of people they had noticed not coming to church.
They were the answer to my prayers. I TRULY believe that.
I told them i was fine, and brushed them off because I was literally in shock.

They left me with a card, with their names and number on it, incase i needed anything.

I could not get them out of my mind, and a few hours later i called them and asked them if they would come chat with me for a while. They agreed, and that night we met and i laid it all on the line. I told them of my struggles, I told them how scared i was, and how i feared i could never be forgiven. I told them I wanted to get married in the Temple to a good man more than anything in this world.

Clay and Eric saved me that day.
I believe that with my whole heart.
They were and still are my angels.
My life has been forever changed because they chose to listen to the sprit, and knock on my door.
They are dear to my heart, and its because of them, my Heavenly Father, and the spirit that I am sealed to the man of my dreams in the Temple.
I dont know if Clay and Eric realize the great love I have for them, but I am grateful they are in my life.

We all have a story.
A story of how we got to where we are today.
Mine was filled with bumps and trials, just like every one else.
Its crazy to me, how when we put our faith in the lord how he will bless us beyond anything we could have ever imagined. It amazes me how he knows us so well.

Because 3 short months after I "started over" i met Adam. Had i met him even just 4 months earlier, I would have a much different ending to my story.
The lord prepared me to meet Adam, and put us in the right place, at the right time.

Whatever brought me to this place in my life, good or bad, im grateful.
I feel so blessed everyday

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I love to write down my feelings and share them with whoever is interested. I love my small, growing family and feel so blessed to have such a loving, supportive husband who is always by my side.