Choose Faith

I am a major worrier.
i always have been, but it seems to get worse as i get older, and obtain more responsibility.
So imagine my worry when I find out that there may be something wrong with my health, and my ability to have a few more little ones.
I have a completely common (yet still scary) disorder called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. (PCOS)
When the doctor gave me the results of my ultrasound last week, and told me I have PCOS, I had heard the term before but had no clue what that meant.
I was so terrified, and instantly thought of all the worst case scenarios.
Like I would never be able to get pregnant again.
Or I would need some kind of drastic surgery that would put me into menopause instantly.
And that if I did get pregnant, the miscarriage rate of someone with PCOS is 40%.

I drove home from that appointment discouraged, and feeling so alone.
i saw my dreams of multiple children running around my house fade as I thought there surly is no hope for me carrying another child.
But like i said, I'm a worrier, and I can often jump to conclusions without having all the information.
After doing more research on the topic, i have learned that it is absolutely possible for me to have more kids, and although it may be harder for me to get pregnant (and stay pregnant) it will happen again for us.
Adam and I are definitely at the point where we would welcome any new little spirit into our lives, and I think thats what makes this diagnosis so hard. The fact that I feel like I'm not in control of my own body.
So I have multiple tests and appointments coming up, where doctors will keep an eye on everything, and hopefully give me more answers about what my options are.
I know I am not alone in this, and its so common with girls my age, but the knowledge of that doesn't make the reality of whats going on in my body any less scary.

Talking about this and explaining the way i feel is really difficult for me.
To try and convey to someone the anxiety it gives me is nearly impossible.
I'm not trying to make this seem like the end of the world, or the worst thing that could ever happen to a person, but I worry... about the unknown.
About all the questions I have that haven't been answered.
I know this is a time for me to turn to my Heavenly Father and pray for encouragement and strength.
And so I will.

Joy

I left Tenley for the first time a few weeks ago, when Adam and I went to Hawaii for 10 days.
it was bliss to get away with him and reconnect just the two of us, in a romantic place, doing things we haven't been able to do in a long time. My love for him grows more each day, and it was amazing to just be us again.

But leaving Tenley was insanely difficult.
We dropped her off at my sisters on Sunday night, then came home to our empty house where I looked around and cried.
Cried that she wasn't in her room fast asleep, and that I was going to miss the next 10 days of her life.

She is so special to me. She is a light in my life, and being without her seems so unnatural.
She makes me so happy, so proud- so full.
She has brought meaning to my life that I never knew existed.
When she came, something changed in me forever.

I have so much love for this little girl, and so many hopes and dreams for her.
I pray that she will know and love and serve God as she grows older. I cannot wait to see her chase her dreams.

Its safe to say that I don't want to leave her for a long time.
While being with Adam and no other distractions was wonderful, my heart is so full when the three of us are together.

Radius

Yesterday was like every other Sunday.
We got up, went to church, came home after the first hour because Tenley cut about 6 teeth last week and was getting quite restless, came home and watched a movie.
Tenley was watching with us, and would play with her toys in between trips up and down the stairs like she always does. She loves going up and down the stairs so i let her, i just keep a close eye on her.
I watched as she came back up, and she stood at the top, holding onto the railing. She must have just lost her balance, and went tumbling down.
It seemed as if it were in slow motion as she fell, and Adam and I both ran to catch her.
Unfortunately we weren't quick enough.

We have tried different types of gates for the top of the stairs, but the way the railings are designed, nothing fits or stays on. So despite our efforts, we have no gate, but obviously never leave her alone while playing or near the stairs.

I keep playing last night over and over in my head, wondering what I could have done to stop the fall.

We calmed her down quite quickly, and so I let her down to play with her toys.
As soon as she tried to crawl, she collapsed on her left arm, and I knew something was wrong.
Immediately we got ready to take her to the hospital.
We ended up being there for about 5 hours, and she was a little angel.
She was completely herself, laughing and making funny faces, and entertaining everyone in the waiting room.
Around the 3rd hour, we still hadn't been seen and I thought that it was probably a sprain, only because she was so happy and I had expected a sad miserable girl if it were actually broken.
Shortly after that we were taken back to see a doctor and very quickly had an X-ray done on her arm.
The results came back that her wrist, or her Radius bone was in fact broken and she would need to wear a cast for 4-6 weeks.
This broke my heart, and I was extremely emotional.
How could my 13 month old have a broken arm?
How did she have such a bad fall and I couldn't get to her in time to stop it?
Theres mommy guilt for ya.

She was again, a superstar as the orthopedic tech put the cast on, and was so curious about what he was doing to her.
She has slept all night, but I cant say the same for me.
I've been up most of the night, listening for her, and going over and over in my head everything that happened yesterday.

I know kids are resilient, and tough, and bounce back after things like this, but it still makes me incredibly sad that this happened.
As a mother, my number one priority is to keep her safe, and this is the first time I've felt like I wasn't able to do that.
Although its so heartbreaking to see her in a cast, she looks pretty cute :)

Send positive thoughts her way for a speedy recovery :)

Almost Birthday

Tomorrow is my baby's birthday

It seems unreal that an entire year has gone by.
I cant help but reflect, and think about the miracle of birth.

In one short year, my life changed in the best way possible.

Tomorrow will be bitter sweet in a way.
I'm excited to celebrate the amazing little girl that she is, and to enjoy time with friends and family, but the thought of her first birthday makes me wish I could pause this moment in time, and have her stay my baby forever.

She makes me strive to be a better person.
To think of others before myself.
She has taught me unconditional love.
Through her I have learned to not sweat the small stuff.
That a smile can change your entire day.
She reminds me everyday that quality time together is irreplaceable.

I never knew I was capable of this kind of love.
She has changed me.
And no words can describe the love I feel for this sweet spirit.

Im excited for the future, and for the endless possibilities it brings.

Happy ALMOST birthday to my Tenley Joy.

Balance

Sometimes as parents, its hard to believe (or remember) that you were ever anything else.
Sometimes I forget that at one point it was just me and Adam.
That was before bottles, and poop, and a crying baby.
There was a time where we could walk out the door at the drop of a hat and not worry if we were forgetting anything.
When leaving the house didn't include going through my mental list of bringing a diaper bag full of everything Tenley might need in case of any kind of emergency.
Has she had enough to eat so that she is content for these few errands?
Do I have a soother? or two or three incase she drops one on the ground?
Did I pack her an extra sweater incase it gets cold in the next few hours?
Did I grab the cheerios for her to snack on?
Do i have enough diapers? Wipes?

By now, its like no other routine ever existed.
Like I was never anything other than a mom.
Its hard to imagine that there was a time where I got ready and looked nice EVERY day. (i probably wear sweats far more often than my husband would like)
And there was a time where I NEVER would have had a cheerio or two stuck to my bum... These days thats not an unlikely occurrence.

Tonight was precious to me.
Adam and I went out and I was reminded that Im not JUST a mom.
Im a wife, and a best friend, and those are things I cant forget along this journey of motherhood.
Adam and I went on a simple date tonight. Not even a planned date necessarily, but we decided to go the driving range on this beautiful afternoon. It was so fun to just be goofy, and play around.
Then we dropped Tenley off at my sisters house and went out for wing night.
It was simple and wonderful.
Tonight reminded me of the months Adam and I had falling in love and how special that time in my life is to me.
The best part of it is, when Adam and I are out on a date, just the two of us, I still get those same butterflies in my tummy just like I did when we were dating. But now we get to go home together, and go snuggle our baby girl when the night is over.

So now my quest is balance.
Im afraid i've lost mine.
To find myself again in this journey, but to first and foremost be the absolute best mommy I can be to my sweet girl.
I have decided the need to bring things back into my life that are just for ME. As a mom, we tend to think of everyone else first.
So first order of business, I'm remodeling a toy box I bought on kijiji for super cheap.
if it turns out anything like I'm envisioning, I may even blog about it....

Just a thought

"You are the trip I didn't take,
You are the pearls I cannot buy.
You are my blue Italian lake,
You are my piece of foreign sky."
-Anne Campbell












Being your momma, is an honor and a privlidge.
Anything else just wouldn't seem right.
Thank you for all the beautiful memories, and for the countless ones to come.
I wouldn't trade this time with you for the world!

Happy Birthday Adam!

This is the second year in a row that Adam and I are apart on his birthday. Which is super sad because birthdays are pretty much my favourite thing.
EVER.
Last year i didnt make his actual birthday very special because I thought we would just celebrate it when he came back. And we did, but I still feel bad that he didnt have anything to open on his birthday. bad wife.
So this year I had to think a little outside the box and figure out how I could get something to his hotel room in Prince Rupert BC. Im so happy with out these turned out, and thought it would be a nice gift for him to "open" on the day of his birth- The other parts of his present I will give to him when hes back home. But for now, here is mine and Tenleys way of saying happy birthday, and a few words about why I love him so much!



As i look back on my life, I cant help but realize its all been preparing me for you.
Everything good or bad, has brought me here, to this life we share.
I used to pray at night, that God would protect "you" and keep you safe until one day I would be able to take over. I didn't know who "you" were, but my heart was preparing me for a love only found in fairy tales.
When I met you, I knew my prayers had been answered.
You are far more than I deserve, and more than my wildest dreams could have dreamt.
Thank you for bringing laughter, joy, wonder, happiness, spontaneity, and love into my life.
You make each day worth living.
Your laugh and your smile light up my world.
Thank you for loving me even in my darkest hours.
And Adam, thank you for being born!
Thanks for making my life wonderful, and for giving me the greatest gift of all.
You my love, are one in a million.

Tenley and I had these birthday pictures taken for you, and we hope you love them!
xox












WE LOVE YOU, and cant wait till you're home.